Because I Run.
I’m not here to run; I’m here because I run. I swear there’s a part of my heart shaped like an ASICS sneaker (my favorite running shoe of 8 years) eternally dedicated to the sport.
When I was twelve I made myself throw up after big meals, big meals that turned to little meals that turned to snacks that turned to whenever I looked in the mirror. At a healthy weight of 140 lbs for being 5’8, I remember standing in my room, grabbing the skin of my thighs and stomach and feeling pure hatred and disgust for what I saw. As one child out of five from a separated family, my family had a lot going on and didn’t notice, so I was spiraling down alone. I often stayed in an after school care while my parents were at work, and there I met my best friend who was trying out for the track team. He encouraged me to join and I went to tryouts, following in his footsteps when he went towards the distance runners. I remember this day distinctly; I ran a one and a half mile park loop and felt sheer bliss when I finished.
That was my first ‘run’ ever, and my first runner’s high of many, many more. Walking home from the practice feeling energized, I made the commitment to myself that I would be the best runner I could be, which I knew involved eating properly. It was challenging and to this day I still mentally struggle sometimes, but running saved my life. I could, for the first time since I was a child, eat food without guilt. I could look at myself- my legs, arms, body- and know that I was strong and muscular, not ugly and unhealthy. My first year I PR’d with a 6:45 mile and I was bursting with love for the sport, the team and most importantly, myself. Running gave me the confidence to go out into the world with energy and love and made my relationships with my friends, my family and myself much better as I could focus more on loving them instead of hating myself.
Later in my life, I actually met a fellow runner who had starved themselves on a regular basis, struggling with their self image deeply as well until they started running. Meeting this person years after I had started running reminded me all over again how grateful I am to this amazing sport for providing an outlet for my energy and emotions, allowing me to explore and appreciate the world around me, connecting me with wonderful people, and saving not only my life, but many others. Running reminds me that we are not alone; there are trails to be discovered, people to meet, and stories to hear. I am so thankful for running- I am here because I run; it saved my life, a life to be filled with happiness, confidence, friendships, family, teammates, love, and many more runs.
- Julia Williams-Portland (@juliawportland)
