My story on losing hope, and trying to find it again

Running. The thing that most people reading this love and thrive off of. I was raised in a family of runners. My Dad started running long distances in college, and my step mom ran in cross country and track in high school and college. Ever since I can remember I have been running in little 5k fun runs. I ran cross country and track at Schoo Middle school and was decent at it. The summer before freshman year I started training for the upcoming XC season, running more regularly every week. Freshman year of cross country started. I was not the best but I was not the worst. I was the 5th runner on the team and had some pretty great races. Our team even got runner up at state that year.

Then came the winter training. After my cross country season I was tired. It was the most I had ever run in my life. I started started to really care about running. And this importance in my life had a positive impact but also some negative aspects as well. I started to compare how I looked to other successful runners around me. They all had most of the same things in common- Tall, skinny, flat stomached, beautiful. I for one, do not look anything like that. I’m 5’5, stocky, and not so flat stomached. Thoughts went through my head that I could never be a great distance runner looking the way I did. I started to eat less and track my food intake constantly. I got more tired and started slacking off on my miles and training. I would get angry at female distance runners looking the way they did when I looked like me. 

When freshman track started I was excited but also terrified. I was scared of getting injured and scared of not being as good as I thought I could be. The negative thoughts that I was thinking really affected my races and even my training. I would get decent times and places but, I would cry after almost every event I raced in and would always be disappointed in myself for not getting pr’s. After qualifying and running the in the state track meet I felt defeated and unmotivated to continue. 

But I continued anyway. I started summer running for cross country. in June of 2017 I started to realize I had a problem. I started to reading articles by distance runners that had the same problems that I had. These stories gave me hope that I can get over this “funk” I was in. I started treating my body better by giving what it wanted- fuel. Although my habits on food were improving my mind was not. Throughout summer training there was always a voice in the back of my mind saying that you’ll never be great, that i’ll never be as fast as the rest of them, and I listened to those voices. 

When sophomore year of xc started I was excited to run for our team. But, I was also unmotivated to run for myself. At our first time trial of the year I fell and twisted my ankle. I couldn’t run that day and seeing my teammates run their bests made me me realize that I couldn’t quit. That I had to be there for them. As soon as our race season started we were winning every meet we had. I was becoming closer with my teammates, and we were having the time of our lives. Even though I was having fun with my team, I was still left unmotivated to run for myself, and disappointed in my times and performances. I reached out to a coach and talked to her about not having any motivation. We made a game plan for districts meet coming up, she helped me stay focused and determined during that race. I even Pr’d for the season. After we won our districts, our team was ready for state, we were the #1 seed walking in, we were more ready than ever. 

The day before the state our teammates and I got information that one of our best runners on our team would not be running, for she had gotten the stomach flu. We were sad for our teammate and scared for the next day. That morning I woke up terrified with butterflies, and aching legs. When I woke up I didn’t think that my aching legs would affect how that day went. When we arrived at the state meet we were nervous and excited. When we toed the line that day we were ready. When the gun shot off all my nerves were gone I knew that all I had to do was race. No regrets. At the 2K mark I was in 7th place, fighting on and off with 6th. When we reached the 3K mark I started to get light headed, but I know I had to keep going. As the race progressed my vision was getting more and more blurry and my body was getting more and more heavy. Still in 7th place with less than 600m left I tripped down a hill, flat on my face. I knew I couldn't not finish. I had to for my team. I stood up and started to walk into the finish, slowly and wobally. I collapsed at the finish, we surely figured out I had the flu.

Laying on the medical table having your coach and dad seeing you cry apologizing over and over, saying that you’re sorry for not finishing in a good place for the team is something you can never let go of. I had hit rock bottom, my motivation was shot. We ended up getting runner up at state, not what we wanted but I was still so proud of my teammates for still getting that place without two of our top 5 runners.

The next few months after my state performance I was the most unmotivated i've ever been, I even started picking up my old eating habits again. In the past month I’ve reached out to my team, other runners in Nebraska, and coaches about the problems that i’ve been struggling with. They’ve given me hope that I can run for myself and be a great distance runner without having “the ideal” runner body. I am thankful that they are giving me the motivation to run the sport that has tore me down and built me back up. I am on a path to finding hope right now, to find the motivation my younger self had for running. I am working on running for myself and just for the love of it. It’s going to be a long path to find hope. But, life's a marathon not a sprint.

- Ani Schutz ( @anischutzz )