Dear Running... I hated you.

Dear running, 

I hated you. And sometimes, I still do. You brought me to my knees time and time again, not because of the grueling levels of physical exertion you require, but because of the constant and everlasting mental demons that came with you. You made me feel weak, as if I was lesser than the runners to my right and left. While my teammates were happily preparing for a meaningless summer time trial, I sat with my head in my hands in the dimly lit bathroom stalls- throwing up. Again. My head was screaming to me, asking me why I was so nervous for a stupid little race. And yet, I had no answer. Running, you woke me up hours before my alarm was set, my heart beating out of my chest and my lungs gasping for air; all for a simple and meaningless race. You forced me into a constant spiral of “superstitions” just to keep me in control. I watched as my teammates excelled, as I hunched over, hands on my knees, trying to get ahold of myself. You nearly forced me to quit the sport that used to bring me so much joy; not because of the difficult workouts or injuries that you gave some, but because of the constant, never-ending mental demons that you brought. Running, you broke me into a million little pieces, shattered on that innocent white starting line that I feared so much.

But I forgive you.

I forgive you because you scooped up those millions of pieces and shaped me into a beautiful and broken person who believes in who she is and who stands up for herself and those around her. You taught me how to be resilient, and how to push through tasks I never thought possible. You gave me the gift of 53 of my best friends who care about me and whom I care about in a way that can only be described as family. You taught me to see beauty in defeat, and that you’ve never, ever used up all your options; there’s always another way. I learned more from this crazy sport than I ever did in my many, many years of youth athletics. You’ve taught me to never, ever give up, and you’ve given me 4 of the most incredible coaches I’ve ever met. You’ve helped me find joy in chilly long runs, early morning workouts, and late night bus rides. Running, you helped me understand that the thoughts in my head do not define me; they don’t make me weak or less than my teammates, but rather are a part of the battle I was chosen to fight. You shaped me into the strong and confident person I am today, despite the cracks you left and the tiny hints of brokenness you occasionally reveal. But that’s okay, because I now understand that it’s all part of the path I was chosen to take. Running, I not only forgive you, but I am incredibly and insanely grateful for you.

So, thanks running.

- Anonymous