The push and pull of running.

My freshman year of high school I was forced to quit playing soccer because my knee injury had gotten to be too much for a fast-paced contact sport. I had a laundry list of injuries and pains in my left knee, none of which had any sort of cure except for rest. I was devastated, I had to give up something I had dedicated so much time to because of circumstances that were out of my control.
 
I was always very active as a little kid. Between soccer, gymnastics, softball and track I had always loved to run, and I was good at it. When I came to terms with the fact that I could no longer play soccer, my competitive drive lead me towards taking on running full time. I had been apart of the running club in my town since fourth grade and I had run on the track and field team in middle school, so the transition into cross country and track year round was not too difficult.
 
My sophomore season of cross country I felt the highs of what it really is like to be a runner. I had gotten my knee pain under control and was able to run with a brace without many problems. I loved competing with my team and feeling like I was back to being apart of something. My times were dropping at every race and I could truly feel myself improving. I was obsessed with the way I felt when I ran and the sense of accomplishment it gave me. Unlike most runners, I rarely got race anxiety. I looked forward to stepping on the line every week for the soul reason that I loved to compete. I ended that season with a PR and a new found love for the sport.
 
As I continued that attitude into the indoor season, I felt the knee pain creeping back up on me and I started experiencing the same type of pain as before. Throughout most of sophomore year I pushed through the pain. I bought new trainers to decrease the impact, tried out different knee braces, and started using the elliptical the day before meets to give myself some rest. I knew that there was nothing I could do to make it go away, so I found lots of smaller methods to help with the pain. Unfortunately, they were only temporary fixes and I couldn’t do anything about it. I ended up sitting out the spring track season and most of that summer, which I felt was necessary in order to be ready for cross country in the fall.

Although the break was good for my physical health, it took a toll on my mental health. I couldn’t stand the way I felt when I wasn’t running and competing. I didn’t have the energy that I had while I was in season and I constantly felt sluggish. I could feel this weird sort of hatred toward the sport building up and I couldn’t figure out why my body was reacting like this. I returned for the fall season, optimistic to start fresh and excited to be getting back to running.
 
However, my return was much worse than I had expected it to be. I was mentally excited to get back into the swing of things, but physically I wasn’t ready. My knee pains persisted and came with a world of other problems. I started favoring the left side, which gave me back pain on the other side, I developed shin splints throughout the season, and great deal of hip problems. I was so terrified of having to sit out again, that I ignored most of the symptoms and just pushed through it. My races were very hit or miss, depending on how I was feeling on a given day. Overall, I was getting slower as the season went on and I became more and more burnt out. My competitive side couldn’t handle that I was slipping and I felt helpless.

This push and pull pursued over the next two years. There were good stretches where my body felt okay and I could run decent times, and other times I would have to drag myself to go to practice because I dreaded it so much. I continued to run and try, and I continued to sit out when my body had enough. I was so internally conflicted because I hated the way I felt when I wasn’t running, yet my body hated the way it felt when I was. I had labeled myself as a competitive, strong runner when I started out, and I couldn’t handle not being where I thought I could be.

It took me a very long time to recognize the toll that running put on not only my physical health, but my mental health as well. I didn’t have any issues with body image, I was comfortable with the way I looked, but I struggled with hating my body for what it could and couldn’t do. I had a very difficult time with not being able to control my injury or do anything about it. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t living up to the potential that I had, and I resented my body for doing that to me.
 
As I finish my high school running career, I am thankful for all that it has taught me about myself and my health. I have made the decision not to continue running in college and I truly hope that I will eventually return to the sport with a different attitude and approach.

- Caroline Seely (@carolineseely46)