My run.

 I let out a deep breath to reset my breathing. Sweat pouring down my face. It is about 70 degrees out, and my Florida Gulf Coast University shirt is drenched in sweat. I am suppose to be running on an easy run, but I can't help but speed up. I feel good. It is dark out. Not many people are awake at 5:00 in the morning, on a Monday. But somehow I convinced my body to get out of bed to go on a run. 

I continue on my run. Picking up my pace as I go uphill, because my body is used to picking up the pace on an uphill. I am so lost in my own thoughts that I don’t even realize I am going up the hill, let alone picking up the pace. The morning breeze feels good on my face, and I am relaxed. I am in my happy place. 

As I hit the downhill, I finally realized that I just conquered a major hill. I smile because I know I am so lost in my run that I didn't even realize that I was going up the hill. I quickly get lost into my own thoughts again. Now I am wishing that I was running with someone else. Someone that I can tell about some drama that happened. Or a teammate that will just keep me company. Someone to talk to, someone that will make this run go by fast. 

As my watch rings, I stop thinking about how lonely I am. As the watch says; mile 2, 7:42, I scowl. I wanted to run more of a 8:15 pace, but I really can’t be too upset. I can tell I am in better shape than I was at the beginning of the season. My fitness is there but mentally I am not. I start to get frustrated with myself. 

Why do I always let my head take over? Why can’t I run as fast as the indoor season? Why can’t I PR? Why do I let people get in my head? Why am I mentally not as strong? How can I get mentally stronger? Why doesn’t my coach understand? Why do I beg for my coaches attention and when I don’t get it I feel sad and mad at myself? Why do I care for his attention? Will I ever be good enough? Will I ever be as fast as I want to be? Why do I run? 

As my watch beeps again, signaling that I have reached another mile, I realize I don’t have any answers to the previous questions. I just know that I am not good enough. I have never been good enough. I work hard and don’t get anything in return. If I work harder my hip will not be able to take it. I get off topic. I think about how PT has not been working, and maybe all I really need is a break. 

This begs the question:
Do I continue running?

Do I keep running after my season comes to an end, while my other teammates still have districts and state? Do I go to work? Do I keep running with my teammates or do I work and get money for college? I don’t know what I am going to do. 

I keep running. This time I can tell I am running up a hill. I don’t pick up the pace this time. Now all I can worry about is not stopping. Not quitting. I am not a quitter. I know that when I finish this hill I am almost home. My watch beeps for the last time. This mile was my slowest, but not by much. Mile 4. I want to get to 4.50 miles for my first run of the day. I finish my climb and when I go around the corner I can see my house. 

I bring it in steady. I know that I need to conserve my energy for the day ahead of me. I have school, where I have two test. I start to stress. Quizzing myself a little. I don’t worry. I know that I know what I am being tested over. I stop. I smile. I laugh a little...

Because I know I have to do this all over again, later on in the day, but next time I will have company. I will have people that I love. I will laugh on my run. I will learn to love this sport even more later on in the day. After my two tests. After I eat my lunch. After I workout a little in PE. After seven classes. After eight long hours. But despite all of that. My second run of the day will be the best part of my day. I will be relaxed. I will be at home, with people I consider my second family. We will laugh. We will joke. We will get better. Despite all the doubts. Despite all the complaints. 

We are runners. We will run. There is no stopping us.

- Anonymous