Racing My Demons.
It all started back in high school. After a promising freshman year, I was no longer a newbie. I had pressures to contribute and to perform at a higher level. I would suffer an injury that year from overtraining, which would change my running career forever.
When I first started running, I ran to have fun. Running was my stress reliever. When I laced up those spikes all that mattered to me was challenging myself to do the best I could, while having fun. Things changed when people began to realize my potential. I could no longer just run for fun. I was running with pressure to perform at a high level.
Coming back from my injury, I didn’t know what to expect. I was coming into my own as a runner before and the injury was a major set back for me. All I wanted to do was get back to training with my team and helping us win meets. When I came back from my injury, I wasn’t the same. I felt tensed and under pressure to get back to where I was. At the same time I was desperately afraid of getting injured again.
Practices began to drag and my racing suffered. I was not competing anywhere at the level I should have been. This would be my first bout with depression from running. I began to hate the idea of going to practices or meets. I no longer wanted to run. For whatever reason, I decided to grind out the rest of the year and hope it was just a fluke.
My junior year is when my real problems began to occur. I was desperate to take that next step. Whatever it took. And while I did take a giant leap, it wasn’t good enough. I had created an unrealistic expectation of myself that I needed to be better. I could be running a personal best in a race, but it didn’t matter. No matter how good a race I ran, I wanted more.
When I realized I wasn’t getting what I wanted things began to spiral out of control. I faced a deep bout with depression. It was one of the darkest times of my life. I didn’t want to be around anyone and felt miserable each day at practice. Each day I came home and ran to my room so I could self harm. It reached a point where I was self harming every day. It became a part of my life and dragged me down further. My mindset became that if I didn’t self harm, I wouldn’t run a good race.
Each run I would push my limits further. I felt as if I was truly in a race with myself and my demons. I began to seriously question life and isolate myself. My thoughts were constantly negative and I feared I would never be a good enough runner in anyone’s eyes. I felt alone and out of options. I felt as if my race was up.
It wasn’t until I reached out for help that things began to change. I had four great friends and teammates at the time, as well as my constantly supportive family who truthfully saved my life. I would not be here today sharing my story if it weren’t for them. With their constant support, I was able to get my life back on track. I entered my senior year stress free and reenergized. The results showed as I would run the best I ever had in my career.
The success I had my senior year of high school would open up an all new door for me. I received an offer to compete at the Division 1 level in the NCAA. But what I quickly found out was that there were many many runners who were just as good as me and just as many that were better than me.
Everyone wants to win a race, especially if they are used to winning them. When I got to this level, I got knocked around. I struggled just to finish in the middle pack of races. If I wasn’t at the middle part of the finishers, I was at the end. Doubts about my running career began to creep in again, and I questioned if I had what it took to compete at this level.
My sophomore year in college followed a similar pattern. It wasn’t until my final year that I began to realize the true beauty of this sport. While everyone wants to medal and receive all the praise, sometimes running is just meant to be a beautiful treat. Sometimes you need to just soak in all those long runs in the woods where you’re surrounded by nature and not worry so much. I found that the less I obsessed on my performances, the better I did.
If there is anything I’ve learned from running, it is not to be so hard on yourself. A bad race is not the end of the world. It only fuels your next victory. For anyone who is out there struggling, don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Don’t let running become anymore than what it is. It’s just running and it’s a beautiful thing. Racing my demons was the toughest point in my life, but when I beat them, I won the biggest trophy of them all. I had my life back and I loved the sport I started so many years ago again.
- Anonymous
