Disappointment after disappointment

My final cross country season started out spectacular. A new PR of 18:44 and being constantly surrounded by the best people I have ever met. Every race was so powerful for me, I felt as if I owned the trails when I raced. I did not fear racing, my mentality was as strong as ever. Everything was going smooth until the end of October, also known as championship season. 

There was supposed to be three races left to my season. Class Championships. State Championships. New England Championships. That's how it was every year.

On the starting line, I knew I had a challenge ahead of me. I was seeded 3rd in the race and went out with the leaders, but something did not feel right when the gun went off. I was able to hang with the leaders for about a mile but slowly I felt weaker and weaker as the race went on. I told myself just to finish and rebound next week. I finished in 20:20, almost a minute and a half slower than my PR. Imagine finishing so much slower than what your PR is, disappointment fills your heart. 

One week later was the state championships. Seeded 8th and not in the mental state I needed to be. The gun went off and the same feeling of weakness overcame my body much quicker than last week. It was as if my legs were carrying an additional 50 pounds. They could not bare my weight and I ended up collapsing by mile 1 and unable to finish my senior year cross country season. Looking around blurry eyed I see my coach and she says "What's wrong with you". What's wrong with me? I don't know coach but I can promise you I'm more devastated than you ever will be. 

The disappointments did not end after cross country, it continued into indoor season. I ran almost 30 seconds slower in the 1000, a minute slower in the 3000 and 30 seconds slower in the 1500. It was so hard knowing I was creating failure race after race. I thought it was my mental confidence, because I noticed I became scared of racing. As a captain, I always told people "Be excited to race! You're gonna have people in your race to push you and pull you along! The pace will be fast and you'll run a new PR! Be fearless." 

I attempted to tell myself that but stress and fear overcame that. I was terrified of racing because I knew I was going to do bad. I cried because I didn't want to race because I knew it wasn't going to end well. My coach was consistently disappointed in my performance, but just because she was disappointed did not mean she did not care. Being disappointed proves you care and that is why she was relentless in helping me. 

She made small observations with how I raced before and now I do now. She said whenever I finished now I would be pale and looked weak, when everyone else finished with red faces. I told her how I struggled with regular paces in runs now and how I just felt so weak all the time. She diagnosed me with low iron and pushed me to get a blood test.

A blood test told me I had a feratin level of 20. A distance runner should have a feratin level of no lower than 60 in her opinion. It gave an explanation of why all the hard work stopped paying off and was working in the opposite of my favor. After only a week of taking iron supplements I worked my way to only 9 seconds off my 1500 PR which brought so much joy. 

After that race my coach hugged me and cried because she was so happy I was almost back to myself. The disappointments finally had stopped. The rain clouds had cleared and the rainbow had appeared. 

It was such a mental battle knowing none of my training was working. It was truly so unfair but it was also so important not to give up. The disappointments were discouraging but after being released from the chains of disappointment it was incredible. It makes me appreciate running so much because being iron deficient proved my passion for the sport. I wanted to give up but my will to fight was so strong and I'm so thankful that my coach was there for me because without her guidance I may have never found out I had an iron deficiency and may have never returned to my level of fitness. 

My mental strength was attacked by my iron deficiency because I had believed it was all my and not a chemical imbalance. I thought I was beginning worse at running which hurt my confidence and mental strength. I was wrong which gave me so much hope for racing. I did extensive research and was pleased to discover it only takes about a week to return to normal of taking iron pills to race well again. It truly made me cry tears of joy, and not sorrow for once. 

Outdoor track came around and racing never felt so good. My mental confidence was back to where it was supposed to be and I felt healthy running again. I PR'd in the 1500 and the 3000 and I was division champion in both events and class champion in the 3000. I also managed to qualify for New England's which made the last 4 months of sorrow disappear. 

Moral of the story is to never give up. I just wanted to prove that any setback will launch you forward in the future. If you have passion for a sport never let it go. Do not be afraid to seek help because most of the time the information you will receive is useful. Setbacks can be so frustrating but any problem can be solved. It does not rain forever.

- Julia Dempsey ( IG: @juliademps )