i will never look like a runner

Hello! My name is Catie Wiltanger and I am a freshman at Drake University in Des Moines, Iowa. Although I do not look like your typical cross-country athlete, I plan to run long distances until my legs give out.

I have struggled with body image before I considered myself a runner. I ran the 1600 at the city track meet in sixth grade, and remember looking at competitors from my hometown's eight other middle schools. Their shoulders were less broad and their legs were much thinner than mine. That was the first time I remember thinking I needed to look a certain way.

As an effect of this constant comparison, I struggled with an eating disorder in seventh grade. I'd been a competitive swimmer for a long time, and I got slower, had less energy, and barely missed qualifying for a huge meet. My parents almost didn't let me run middle school track that year because they were afraid I wouldn't have enough energy. This was when I realized it was time to stop caring so much about how I looked.

Body image was not as much of an issue in eighth grade, but it came back to haunt me my freshman year. That was the year when I decided to take a break from swimming to run high school cross-country. Just as I had done in my early track races, I observed the physiques of my competitors. Their thighs were not only smaller but more toned, their stomachs were flatter, and their arms didn't jiggle around as much. Surely they didn't have to obsessively count calories (as I did) to look like runners!

I had similar experiences with body image my sophomore year. My obsession over counting calories was finally showing, and I looked more like the runners I compared myself to on the starting lines. I had a much better season than I did my freshman year, which I attributed to my thinner body (when in reality it was probably the decision to quit swimming). It wasn't until I looked back that I realized I was confident for the wrong reasons.

I was able to do a lot of reflection my junior year. I was injured for the majority of cross-country season, which gave me time to look back on why I ran cross-country. At that point, I didn't run to stay in shape or to look a certain way. I would have quit a long time ago if I did it for these reasons only. I ran cross-country because I love to challenge myself and because of the community I gained from it. 

This realization led to a breakout season my senior year. I immersed myself in the team aspect of cross-country, and encouraged the team to be more competitive. I no longer obsessively counted calories, and didn't look anything close to most of the girls toeing the starting line. However, for the first time in my life, I was okay with that. I could still set massive PRs and lead a strong team with my big thighs, broad shoulders, and my stomach that would sometimes peek out of my uniform. 

I still struggle with body image daily. However, I now know there are certain things I cannot change about my body. Yes, many cross-country runners were meant to look a different way than how I look, and there is nothing wrong with that. I do exercises that make my body feel powerful and I make sure that I take care of it-not so I look a certain way but so I FEEL a certain way. And through this long process I learned that, even as a runner, it is more important to be strong than to be skinny.

- Catie Wiltanger ( @catienotalady )