running saved my life.

Life was going well for me. I was getting better at running, I went sub 16 for the first time, and I committed to run in college. I was happy. That all changed though. In December of 2017, I was at the lowest point of my life. Nothing seemed to be going right for me and I started to feel worse and worse about myself everyday. The only thing that kept me going everyday was running. It gave me about an hour everyday that I felt like I had a purpose. Times got especially hard when I had a major fight with someone who was my best friend. She said stuff that destroyed me inside and out. I fight rock bottom and didn't have any hope in sight. I was broken.

On December 16, 2017, I decided that I was going to kill myself. The feelings I felt that are something I would never wish upon my worst enemy. No matter how much I wanted to do it, I could never go through with it because I didn't want to put a burden like that on my family. I kept on going each day trying to battle it alone. I kept my focus on making it through the day to run, knowing I would feel better once I did so. For a while I got hurt and was forced to cross train, but I adjusted my mindset to use that as a coping mechanism too. 

In time I was able to find joy in my life. Running was the reason I could keep my head up and fight on. I was battling my demons and I felt happy after a while. Suicide thoughts aren't something to battle alone. It is possible but not easy to overcome alone. I felt stronger than ever because of running. I used my pain mentally to get better and grow. Two months after I planned my suicide I ran a 24 second pr in the 3200 because I decided to conquer my pain. 

It wasn't until the week before my college conference meet that I ever told someone about it. I was on a retreat with my university's campus ministry and I finally opened up for the first time, 10 months after it. It felt like a weight was lifted off of my heart and I was comforted by people who cared and wanted to fight on my side. I learned that there are always people who care, people we know and strangers. It's not safe to battle alone. The next weekend I ran a 25 second pr in the 8k and qualified for the NAIA National meet. 

There's not a doubt in my mind that running saved my life. It brought to a place to find people to open up to. It taught me to embrace joy and battled pain. Running is the best thing that ever happened to me.

- Matt Jung (@mattyj_runs)