"I would either throw up or loose feeling in my legs"

My freshman year was a mess almost every meet I would either throw up during or loose feeling in my legs. It was hard I wouldn’t know what to do. I always wanted to get up and keep pushing, but I always had the doubt in the back of my mind saying “what if I can’t.” or “what good am I” or even “why do I do this it’s not like I’m any good”. I kept pushing, I trained 6 days a week every week for seven months. And it got me practically no where,

I told myself if you could just get over this you could be great. So i wanted to push through. I saw 3 different doctors and they all say oh its dehydration, or its normal when you first start, or just let it run its course(ironic right because its xc). And I tried I took 2 weeks off would eat right drink lots of water everything they said but nothing, nothing at all. 

I took the spring season off to focus on soccer and thought that maybe all i needed was a sabbatical. And it worked for a while I was fine completely normal again. But I was too quick to judge, the season started and so did my symptoms. It started with the major headaches, then the heavy legs, then I would just lose my vision. This time it was different, I didn’t think I was going to be able to push past it. My coach said that he thought I was going to have a great season and he was expecting great things from me. 

How can you say that you don’t want to do something when you have someone so important say that they believe in you. I certainly couldn’t, so i kept pushing not caring what would happen as long as I could finish then I would be satisfied. So I pushed every workout every long run every chance that I go to prove that I could be great. The first meet came… it was bad. I wasn’t in my normal routine and I certainly was pumped up for the race. I kept telling myself “fake it till you make it” and that this is my race and that I needed to focus on myself and no one else. 

The gun went off and my mind was racing faster than my legs. It was down the hill with every other 9-10 grade girl from the county. There were over 100 people in the race. 2 fell at the bottom of the hill and I said that could have been me. In the first 3 minutes of the race the next thing I knew I was on the ground my vision went completely black and my legs felt like they weren’t attached to my body anymore. I jumped to the worst conclusion that my mind could think of NOT GETTING UP. My body stayed still on the ground not able to move as my mind was yelling for me to get up. 

After about 5 minutes of being on the ground 2 girls from another school came and tried to help me get up but I wasn’t able to at least not yet. A dad from another team was walking the course to find a good spot to watch and was nice enough to help the other girls. It wasn’t till about 15 later that i was finally able to get up and walk. This was my only race that i didn’t finish, out of the 13 races that I have run in the year that i have run cross country I have never not finished. But this felt different I wasn’t able to finish but at the same time I felt like I had won. If it weren’t for these 2 girls to put our school rivalry behind their instincts I would not have gotten up. These 2 girls have shown me that you can and should always get up and that it doesn’t matter what place or your time as long as you love what you are doing and that you have fun while doing it. 

I don’t do cross country for my coach or for my friends or anyone else but myself. I run because I love it and that it gives me something to strive for. It betters me both physically and mentally. I love cross country! I love the feeling of the ache after a long run or hard workout. I love the adrenaline before a race. I love it all! Sometimes it just takes someone else to help your realize what you really love and what you want to do forever. So get up and keep pushing because you are better than your fall or your complaint. I AM A CROSS COUNTRY RUNNER AND I AM INSANE.

- @Leah_Spendley ( leah!! )