The Pain of Patience

Euphoria. Longing. Craving. Desire. Jealousy. Those were the range of emotions I felt as I limped onto the track yesterday. A week had gone by since I had last smelled the rubber, felt the wind in my face, or pounded the track. I had never in my life experienced such a deep insatiable craving. I felt like an addict and like the high of running was the only answer to my desire. However, the faces of my friends said otherwise to me as I walked by. To them, they were expressing pain, exhaustion, and fatigue. But to me… when I saw their faces, all I saw was determination, endurance, perseverance, and most importantly…. Growth.

I so deeply longed to be running smooth, long strides. I wanted my breath to be ragged with effort. I wanted my legs to be numb with effort. I wanted sweat to be dripping down my face. But instead, there I was. Limping along the track. My legs felt great- so fresh and ready for some 400 repeats. My breath was easy and relaxed. I was comfortable with the serene breeze. I felt so painless, but I longed so deeply, so intensely, to feel so bad in the best way. “When?” is what I pleaded with my coach. “When will I be back?” “I do not know” was the reply. “Have patience.” How can I be patient when the desire of my heart cannot be fulfilled? “How much progress will I have lost?” “None.” was the answer.

I knew it was a lie and even if I am not losing, I am not gaining. As I walked painfully over to the bleachers to sit and watch, an unbearable feeling of despair and frustration consumed me. “I can’t do this anymore” is what I thought to myself. Tears stung my eyes for the third and not last time of the day. Agony. Pure agony is what I felt. It torments you. It tortures you. All I want is to run. And I am sick and tired of waiting. My soul yearns to be lit on fire with passion again. I know I must come to terms with my break. I must.

There is nothing to be done besides to sit and watch all my progress trickle down the drain. But- as soon as it is my time again, I will race and run with renewed vigor and determination. I will plug the drain and turn on the water as hard and fast as I can. My store will be restocked and I will be back. It must storm before the flowers bloom and perhaps I needed this season of pain and agony to truly enjoy my beautiful spring of growth and life. And that is what will keep me going in this time of pain. And when my time is here, I will be ready.

- Grace Reiman (@reiman_grace)