Mental Health or Track

I love running. Ive been running since 4th grade. I ran with my mom after school and then I joined track in middle school. I then took part in high school XC and track. I was Varsity for both. I worked everything into my running. If someone were to look at me, they would identify me as a runner. If someone were to start a conversation, it would be "hows track" right away. This year I chose not to do track. I don't choose to tell anybody why but I do feel like sharing my story. 

I have always struggled with accepting how I look. 6th grade was the first time I started hating my body. I had troubles maintaining a healthy diet all the way until 9th grade. 9th grade I had a great cross country season. I was a freshman varsity cross country runner. I had everything. I was excited for track. When track came around, and the practices got harder and harder. The times of the practices would cause me to lose sleep. And I was not eating. I was skipping 2 meals, and eating dinner with my family. I would become tired, and sick from burning all the calories that I wasn't even close to taking in. I was so tired I fell asleep in every class. And then I became severely depressed. I looked at the other girls, the other boys, and I felt like I was too big. I am a distance runner, and I have big thighs. I don't have the stick thin, toned legs a distance runner is expected to have. My self hate towards my weight caused me to starve myself. My grades went in the trash, and I was sick all of the time. And I still continued to run. I refused to take running away, but I didn't notice that I had to. That I needed to realize I had a lot of things to deal with, and on top of that I had track, I had homework, I had at home duties. My friend tried to attempt suicide. And then she made me feel as though it was my fault. She was not being a very good friend. She pushed the thought on me so much that I wanted to end my life. I started to self harm. I would wear long sleeve shirts to practice, and I would over heat and be close to passing out. And then Id seem weak because after a couple laps Id be exhausted. I hated seeming weak, but I did it to myself. Track was a long hard journey. After track I had time to think. And I chose to not take part in it this year. I am not blaming track for my mental illnesses at the time, and Im not saying that anything track did caused me to do the unfortunate things I chose to do. But I had to explain myself. I needed time to get over my self hatred. I needed time to heal and fix my diet. I love running. But I need to love myself more. I cannot tell anyone why I chose not to do track. Mental health should come first. Most people do not understand that mental illnesses should be seen as an injury. Time needs to be taken out to heal if you want a healthy, happy athlete. 


Ps Im okay now. Ive taken time. Im eating 3 meals a day, self harm free, and happy. I just needed time. Ill be running again soon :)

- Anonymous