When It's Okay To Take A Step Back.

For the past five years of my life, the only constant I have had is running. Throughout high school and the first year of college, I have had some set backs, like most runners. I have had a clavicle snapped in half, tendinitis, shin splints, plantar fasciitis, sinus infections, a stress reaction, biomechanics in my right leg that impacts how my form is as a whole, and mono. All of these things pulled me out of my training and racing, but I came back after every single one as strong as I could. What I didn't list is what I have been struggling the most with lately, and it has been more heart breaking and harder to deal anything physical, it's the mentality of myself.

Upon my first year of collegiate running, I was improving in nearly every 6k and was the most fit I have ever been in my life. The very day before the only meet that mattered, conferences, I was pulled from it do to mono. Though it was very difficult watching my team and not being able to help them score in the meet, my next goal was to come back strong for winter track. Track is not my favorite, but I trained hard over winter break, long runs in literal blizzards and running on frozen tracks. When the races came about, I often finished close to or in last, and my 5ks were slower than my 6k pace from cross country. I would walk off the track sad and embarrassed after each race, progressively more broken with each bad race, which was literally every race that season. In conferences for winter season, if I ran the pace of my 6k from XC in that 5k, I would have placed and helped my team get points. This is where I began to realize that I had a problem deeper than physical fitness.

In high school and my first college cross country season, I was nervous before every race, but in a good way. In this past winter season, the only reason I have been nervous is because I knew I was about to be in a lot of pain for an entire 5k, 25 laps, just to run an awful time and be embarrassed. Going into a race when you are not in the right state of mind is just as bad as going into a race without being physically prepared. Every runner knows that running is one of the most physically and mentally demanding sports one can partake in. Training as hard as I could with zero results was heart breaking.

Being physically prepared for my races did not matter because I was not mentally prepared. Besides the running, I have had a copious amount of other things going in my personal life that beyond stressed me out. I have been dealing with my own mental state along with all of this, as well as challenging academics and intense running. All of these things and more have contributed to one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to made, and that was to take a step back from running and choose not to participate in racing this season. The reason this was a hard decision is because the past 12 season of running I have done, I ran every race possible, regardless of how how I was feeling. I ran every workout and hit every split no matter how much pain I was in, and bad races only made me want to improve.

Mental illness is one of the most draining and hardest things that a lot of runners go through. It is hard to get out of bed, to go to class, to go to practice, to go and spend time with your friends, and to act happy all the time. Choosing to step back from a season is so that I do not inevitably race bad again, because I would be too broken to come back for the cross country season coming up. Choosing to step back is so that I can try and take care of myself and figure myself out and get help. Choosing to step back is so that I can save what I love most, running. I need to love it again as much as I used to. I am not stepping back to let go of running, I am holding on to it as hard as I can so I can plan to help my team succeed and myself next year. 

I wrote this because I want other runners that are going through this to know that it's okay to take a step back if that is the only way that you can come back, and that addressing mental illness upon yourself or teammates is the first step to improving. I can promise that all your teammates, friends, coaches, and parents can assist you in the help you need. Sometimes you need to fall back in order to fall back into it.

- Nora Grimm (@NorEasterr)