Overcoming Change.
Running has always been what my heart has recognized as home since I began in 6th grade. On our last day of school, the head cross country coach had the opportunity for us to a run a mile on our school track to see what kids he could convince to come and run cross country in August. Me being one of those kids, showed up on the first day in August, not knowing one thing about the sport, but also not knowing how this was going to become what my life revolved around for the next several years and continues to. I don’t regret making that decision at all, because with the decision to show up in Nike Frees not having a clue what was going on, I made my best friends, my best accomplishments, and my best memories. Over 4 seasons and years, of running every season, I fell in love. I loved the people who aren’t ever completely “normal” or the most popular kids in school; you love the abnormality and the craziness. I fell in love with knowing that we aren’t the sport that people are going to make time to come and watch or dress/paint up in themes to cheer on, because no one thinks it’s important even if you’re winning and breaking records. I fell in love with solidarity of it and knowing that it’s very independent and meeting people who had the will to go out and do something everyday without social encouragement. I fell in love with the sound of a pack run and shoes or spikes across a pavement. This list could go on and on, but every runner knows the feeling of just being in pure bliss with everything and everyone surrounding you. It’s what makes your heart whole. Cross country was my first love and I thank God for giving me such a gift of having the oppurtunity to do this.
But then came the day where my parents decided that I was no longer going to be allowed to go to the school I had been at since I started school. Of course it was heartbreaking having to leave my friends and all the plans we had together throughout high school. But nothing hurt worse than leaving my cross country team. The main reason I fought leaving was to try and stay so we could go to State as a team which was our goal since the beginning. It got to the point where I was in such denial of leaving, I went to cross country camp and trained over the summer with my schools team. But no matter how much I fought it, I was forced to move to this school I didn’t want to go to at all. So, I show up to their end of the summer runs which I had missed most of from being with my old school. They seemed to be every average XC team. Everyone’s as close with each other as they are with their intermediate family. They had their inside jokes they laughed at when we were on runs, they had bonds with each other I didn’t understand, and frankly it was just really hard trying to feel welcomed in a place I didn’t feel that I belonged. And it wasn’t the people, they were all amazing and very welcoming and I love them and am very thankful for them. It was that I knew the team I still referred to as my team, was making the jokes I understood, and having all the fun still without me. And for awhile I’ve fallen out of love with cross country. Maybe it was because I didn’t like change, and I only knew one way which was what I loved. I was scared to become a different runner because where I was I was doing very well and enjoying everything.
Falling out of love with cross country is a hard thing because you never fully do. You have no motivation, but you still love everything that it’s given you and the way it makes you feel when you’re having a runners high. But the feeling of not feeling the desire to go straight to practice, to finish every workout. And it was hard for me to become closer with another team because I felt it was wrong of me. But I had a season full of injury, loss, trying to make new sisters, and in the end never being enough for myself and I felt like I wasn’t doing enough for my team even though in the back of my head I knew my body was capable of doing things that it wasn’t.
In the end of a season which was a complete disaster in my eyes, I learned that it is okay to love another team. It is okay to make new jokes and new race rituals and make new best friends. It’s okay to need to take time to be upset over leaving the place where you first fell in love with what we all love. I still kept in very close contact with my team, went to their races, wrote them letters of encouragement, and even helped pull them along in races I was opposing them in. Because regardless of what team I was on, they’re still my family and were my biggest supporters at the end of a hard race, a bad race, a good race, and an amazing race.
And that’s the thing with cross country is that the love still is always there. Sometimes you have to go through rough patches to get to the good side of everything again please. But you don’t give up. So to the runners experiencing loss, change, less motivation or none at all, or whatever you may be going through: the love will return and don’t give up on yourself. Because cross country will save you, give you your best memories, you best friends, and possibly some of your best life experiences. It takes you crazy places and on amazing journeys. Despite the hard days, no matter what day, every runner on the trail’s got your back because only us understand us. Everyone’s one big family no matter where you are or what kind of runner you are. Slow or fast, it’s always worth it.
- Ava Gordon ( @Gordonava_ )
