when i'm not running
When I'm not running, my world isn't the same to me. My social life diminishes, as my friends spend their time at practice that I can't participate in. Food becomes something that I just simply need to eat, not something that I view as fuel, knowing that with every bite I am making myself stronger. My clothes take on a different meaning; my athletic shorts, tights, t-shirts, and quarter-zips all become lounge wear, as they are not constantly in the laundry after workouts. School has a different vibe to it. Sure, I like school, but I don't have the feeling of excitement in me when I can't look forward to a run when I get home. Sleeping turns from a peaceful rest that my body aches for each night into restless nights of insomnia, lacking that true tired feeling.
When you get injured, people have told me that you that you need to find an identity beyond your "running" self, that to feel miserable after losing this part of your life isn't healthy. Yet, when you invest your body, mind, and soul into something like running, it is hard to let go of that identity. The teenage years are a time of figuring out your identity, and finding something that comprises your ideal self, only to be told that you need to strip yourself of that aspect, is heartbreaking. I know that the majority of people on this site who love running will agree that, when unable to run for an extended amount of time, they become distraught. Some of you may disagree and claim that this is unhealthy, and that such a person is "running for the wrong reasons," but I believe that it is reality, going through this crisis when we lose something we love so very much.
You see, I have been injured multiple times over my four years of high school. From tendonitis in my foot to my Achilles, from stress fractures in my shin to my hip, and all the pulled muscles, shin splints, and aching joints in between: you name it, I've probably dealt with it. I cherish every moment running, every interval, starting line, and recovery run. I plan out my weekly mileage so that I don't increase by more than 10% each week. I cross train twice a week, limit my long runs to once a week, and only have hard workouts no more than twice a week. I focus on recovery, and sleep, and eating foods stocked with nutrients. Yet I still get injured. And each time that I'm put out of running for months at a time, I don't feel normal. What motivates me to cross train, logging hundreds of hours in the pool, is knowing that it will help me return back to running in a better shape than if I did nothing. But every time that another injury pushes me out of running, I question whether it's worth it, going back to running knowing that I will probably be injured within a couple months.
During these times, I daydream about fall cross country races, with mud plastered to my shins and leaves crunching under my feet. When I'm jogging in the pool, I imagine myself turning the corner on the oval track on a warm spring day, the sun beating down after a dreary winter. I long to get up as the sun rises in the summer and run to the park three miles from my house, where I sometimes swing on the swing set before turning around to run home. When I drive onto my street, I remember that feeling of invincibility I get on a long run when I see my house from the distance and know that I accomplished so much. And, then, I know I can't give up. Running is a part of me that will never leave. "A setback is a setup for a comeback" is my motto.
However, after my doctor said he suspected another stress fracture in my hip recently, he suggested that maybe running isn't for me. Maybe my body isn't made to withstand running. Depending on the outcome of this one injury, I may need to stop running for good. It hasn't hit me quite yet, but I know that if this does become a reality, I will lose part of my identity. It won't be ok at first, even though I'll tell my friends and family that it is. But, not running will be something I'll have to adjust to. Maybe I'll return to running in my later years, maybe not, but even as the world that I have built and placed my love in comes crashing down, I will have to learn to let go and not give up on myself entirely.
- Anonymous
